Nothing new, yet.

June 19th, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Journal | No Comments »

I’ve been trying to write some new things lately, but I’m not sure why I write anymore. Apart of me wants to write like I use to, but really all I feel lately is a sense of stagnation. There’s only so much you can write when you just feel stuck.

With that said I’ve been thinking about what I’ve written over the past two years and I’m amazed really a great deal of it had to do with Nicole in one way or another. Whether she was the topic, potential reader, or inspiration, she has had a lot to do with my writings. Sometimes even my writings would make sense if you knew which of hers had inspired mine. Not all were directly parallel to her writings though, some started to be but veered off on a tangent that have little to do with the source. At any rate however she has a site as well, some of you might like it.

Wasting words on lower cases and capitals…

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Anyways I went to the ER last month complaining of a sharp headache, blurred vision and a numb arm. They didn’t find anything abnormal but recommended I see a neurologist. Which I’ll do soon enough. They also gave me a prescription of vicodin, which I’ve yet to fill and probably won’t. Still don’t like pills, tomorrow I’ll be getting glasses. I suppose this will make me feel even more awkward in my own skin than I already do.

Maybe I’ll think of something witty to say later. Till then, night all.

i’m ambitious and driven, just unsure of how to get there.

May 26th, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Uncategorized | No Comments »

for what has to be the first time in my life, i called myself motivated and decisive.

i dont know what im working toward, but i am working toward something. im engaged toward something, my body is reacting with gut desicisons and with no plans.  its fight or flight knee jerk reaction, and i feel as though everythings building up to something, something where i sink or swim.

are you going to be there with me? or are you going to try to stand in the way?

just take my hand and runaway with me, lets leave this all behind. ill show you the stars.

I know that damn picture all to well…

May 4th, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Poems | No Comments »

It’s funny how we share so much and speak so little.

We can draw crisscrossing lines through our worlds.

We’re in each others minds both tangled in thoughts.

Always bemused by the other, never to far from the words.

I must admit I never wanted your heart, just your words. I like it when I know they’re for me, and I wish I could say how many of mine are for you, but what if my best was never for you, and that heart you thought I never had, I crushed.

This past winter you fell silent, but your actions spoke loud and clear, the more distant and quieter you got, the more you read. You refused to let me in so you lied awake at night convincing yourself you were right all the while reading my missing words.

I dreamt many a nights I’d come up with the courage to say something about how your eyes gave it all away. Force you to admit all that you’ve hidden for so long. But then I’d be a dog who’s just caught the car and has no idea what to do. So instead what I say now is you have my thoughts, as I have yours, but as we tread this line of thought lets think of memories we’ve yet shared. Because as you lie now in bed dreaming of good memories had, I sleep with dreams of the things yet to come. I am not content with living life in the memories, not yet, I’m just too young.

Uninspired words for the caring…

May 3rd, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Poems | No Comments »

I want to be witty, I want to original, and I want to romantic.

So many men before me have written little poems or stories for the ones that they yearn. Some compare them to a flower, some promise the world and the heavens, and some give them all they ever could ask…

What could I then do if men have found all of the beauty on the Earth and even in the stars to swoon their loves. Have they sucked the marrow out of the essence of life and love?

I don’t know, but what I do know is this, I read your words with baited breath. I look for vindication in your words of my thoughts and feelings, I’m pretty sure I had it once, but I mistepped or maybe I mispoke, or maybe I just hestiated, blinked, and you let me think you left. I wish this could be easy enough to say so I could say it to your face, but honestly I have too much pride to say a lot of the things I want to say to you.

This is probably the hardest though, I’m not happy with who I am without you inspiring my words.

Just sick and tired of your silence.

April 14th, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Journal | No Comments »

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And that’s why I need to change my site around. The things I want to say I cant without hurting the people around me. If I want to talk about an ex, or a certain source of creativity, or about the girl i see where ever and whenever i can, I have to censor myself. As many of you know, I’m not usually comfortable with that.

So basically I’m just going to create a page where I can really share my thoughts with my friends without the need to think twice. If you really want to find my new blog, it will be kinda easy to figure out.. If you pay attention, Ill post a message about it being up soon.

I’m not afraid of dying, I’m afraid of being forgotten.

March 20th, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Journal | No Comments »

There’s so much to write and so little desire to say it all…

I wake up everyday wondering when it all comes together, the day where i see the light and can make the plans again.

Its been a year since I threw away the old plans, and it went by in a flash. Im in a better place now, but at what cost? I have no time for a life and no time for the people in that life. I’m not even sure why Im pushing them away so hard.

I’m not really even pushing, I’m lingering. Its such a slower end.

My boss asked me what was wrong, because I have changed so dramatically in the past month, and I wanted to tell him that its because I’m peaking, and it’s too soon and for the wrong achievements. I’m growing impatient and restless, this cant be the highest I can climb, there has to be more and there has to be more soon. I have to find a new goal and pursue it with all that I am.

Linger.

February 21st, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Poems | No Comments »

I never gave up, I just stopped believing.

My heart still beats the same beat, but now I speak with a different rhythm.

-

Would it be ok if I said I missed you?

But not just you, and not just your words. What if its not just your voice, smell, taste, or touch, that linger in my mind. Would it be ok if I said I just missed everything?

February has not been my friend.

February 21st, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Journal | No Comments »

So February has been a LONG Month.

I have 3 employees(for a couple of weeks I only had 2), when I’m suppose to have 5. I’ve been making up for the slack which has resulted in me working 70 hours.. Usually 12 hour shifts day after day. So to say that I’m tired, is a big understatement.

But that’s all about to change, after this week I’ll be getting promoted to the RadioShack in Bridgewater Commons. It will mean a great deal more stress, but a much better financial payoff. I’m prepared for it.

I’ve also scheduled my GRE for next week, and plan to apply for admission come January 2010, so more or less I have an exit strategy. I think I’m going to go further into Political Science, unfortunately I still don’t have experience with my major.

Well tomorrow’s my day off, I’ll try to write something else tomorrow, probably about my vacation last week.. Well maybe not it was only 3 days off.

Janurary nears an end.

January 30th, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Journal, Poems | No Comments »

Wow, could I be more exhausted?

Today I was given the day off by my assistant manager. He volunteered to come in early so that I could stay home for one day. I asked him last night if I was a good manager, he just simply said, “Yeah, but you have no luck.” This comes about with me losing an employee, I now have 2 employees, in a store thats suppose to have 5. My body and mind can’t work any more hours to make up that difference, I’m just too drained.

I’ll be taking my GRE’s in a couple more weeks, hopefully I’ll be able to move on to something better down the road.

I found a new blog to distract myself with, has some nice words, but whats the point it doesn’t change my world, just my mind.

Why are your words so cool?
Why am I so enticed?

Your heart is a lot like my hands,
they’re both cold right now,
but we both know if we hold them together.

The warmth will return.

I’ve walked away, but I’m at a point where I’ve mistakenly looked back.
I read your words with more vigor and intent to hold on to evidence of a dream,
all to justify the burns I’ve recieved.

You watched it all unfold as a statue would watch a city burn.
You write your words with talk of dreams, plans, and logic.

We’re in a cycle of regret and rhetoric
never completely able to disconnect because neither has really done anything wrong.

We both look to the other of inspiration and company.
Company of loneliness, and toil.

We’re just confused, and scared to be the one injured.
I keep putting myself out there, taking the risks, hoping you realize I won’t do any harm, because I have as much to lose as you.

January 22nd 2009 11:15pm

January 22nd, 2009 by Jason A. Howie | Posted in Journal | No Comments »

So I’ve begun losing weight again, not intentionally. I just work too much and eat too little, and whats funnier is that I was just discussing with Matt that I need to cut my food budget to 10 dollars a day when working, which is every day.

I had this dream about Nicole last night, it was weird, something about me deleting her on myspace. When I woke up this morning I thought about it, and the only reason I still had myspace was because of her blogs, and now that I’ve deleted her I feel dumb. I went so far as to block her on aim too, but this was mostly because I kept checking her profile for changes for inspiration. I doubt I made the right choice in just doing what I did, rather than trying to talk to her but I think through her silence she made herself clear. No matter how much I wanted to, I don’t think I was ever going to understand her, probably explains my infatuation, and why I regret going for the subtle rather than the obvious.

Monday, I have a meeting with my boss to discuss the successes and failures of my store over the past few months, and what can be improved. Hopefully he’ll really point out some of my mistakes so that I learn to correct them rather than him just awarding my obvious successes.

I swear I’m going to try to blog more, I feel like with my work schedule this is the best way for me to communicate with the outside world.